Dealing with Failure

All the inspirational videos, quotes, posters, and movies always build us up to believe that our paths to success will be a smooth paved express way. In most cases, true success comes from repeatedly struggling through fire to reach the final goal. Addressing and even accepting failure is overlooked as the less glamorous part of success, although it is of paramount importance. Everyone imagines the prodigies who are able absorb information instantly or pick up a new skill immediately.

I am  learning that failure is a critical portion of getting better. I recently get admitted into an IVY league school. I was very excited to be studying Comp Sci at one of the top universities. My first course was a 200 level course in Artificial Intelligence. I was fascinated with the subject, so from day 1 of the course I dedicated the majority of my time to learning the course material. This course is very mathematical so I spent a significant amount of time sharpening up on my Calc, CalcII, Statistics, and Probability for it and figured, with everything that I had learned so far and the experience that I have had professionally, that it would be just a matter of doing the work to get an A under my belt. I was rudely awakened from this delusion.

It seemed no matter how much time I put into the class, I was consistently performing 30/40 for each homework. This was a shock to me and I took this very personally. How could I not?! -  I was used to getting straight A's even during my previous Masters. Surely this must be a mistake. Nope.  Time and time again I performed at the same level. Now this was a huge shock to the ego and confidence. I progressed through what I would like to call the 4 stages of Blame, Acceptance, Reflect, Retry when learning something difficult.

Step 1. Blame
The teacher must be evil, the coursework must be unreasonable, I work full time, I am a distance student - the list of excuses I could make could go on. And initially I did compile a pretty complete list of boo hoo excuses of why I wasn't performing great. Its much easier to think you are getting a raw deal then to deal with the fact that sometimes you wont perform stellar regardless of past precedence. It's just life. Sure there is a limited minority who has not had to struggle. Those kids who just showed up to class and just "got it". Oh how we envy them! But I am learning that I am not one of those kids. OK so what, deal with it. Man up!

Now after realizing those excuses I was making were paper thin, the next logical step I took was of course to blame myself. Am I not cut out for this? Perhaps I am an impostor that Stanford admitted unwittingly and was now being exposed as an admission mistake. How is it that everyone is doing so well? They must all be geniuses themselves and I am the bottom rung of the ladder to provide a soft margin for the bottom of the bell curve. I am a dumb person.  Well it turns out Impostor Syndrome is a real thing and I was feeling its full effect. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome. It doesn't mean I really wasn't good enough. The fact I was admitted at all means I belong there, and have the same ability to do well. It wasn't a mistake. Which leads me to my next point...

I was learning alot and I noticed it in my day to day analytical and critical thinking abilities. And I did feel smart when I was able to approach the same problems in a novel ways due to what I was learning. Others noticed it also and did offer praise but unfortunately it was always undercut by the looming inferior performance in the actual course. The important lesson that came to me was this. This was the first time I have ever been challenged like this, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. Sure we grow up and everyone around us tells us we are smart - parents, friends, peers, etc.. We are used to Ace'ing that exam or that project or doing really well at work. So what happens, we get into a course where we are put into a class of other smart people? Now we aren't so far ahead anymore; things aren't that easy. Used to getting A's eh? Now you are a C student. Welcome to a new world. Its def a bit downer at first because its different than what we have experienced before. Then you realize is an easy A better than a fought out C, I leave that as an exercise to the reader. But personally Id rather fight it out for a F with a top of the line course and exceptional peers then to get an A at a mediocre task.

Ultimately you learn that this is a new skill you have to learn - namely dealing with failure and realizing that challenge is not mean to debilitate you but rather expand your tolerance and improve your ability to revise and overcome it and be that much stronger. And while its easy to read when reading self help books, when it becomes personal to you and you put alot of yourself in the effort and you fail, it doesn't quite seem like enough of a consolation. But this is the moment you need to tell yourself that the most. When striving for big dreams this isn't the first time its gonna happen or the last. So your options are to adapt or admit that you don't want it that bad. That's it.

Step 2. Acceptance

Ok you are not this genius that is gonna build a million dollar startup over night. You are not the top student in you university, class, or even your study group. Heck you cant even grasp problem 1a on the first homework. Now what? Ok  You accept you just cant do it? Your IQ level must below this level of performance.This isnt your thing, go do something else? NO! You learn to accept that you have much to learn NOT that you cant. Subtle but very important distinction. It really is the ultimate paradox that the more we learn, the most self aware we become that we dont know as much as we should.  Especially if you prescribe to the incremental intelligence model proposed by Stanford publication. (http://www.stanford.edu/dept/psychology/cgi-bin/drupalm/system/files/Implicit%20Theories%20of%20Intelligence%20Predict%20Achievement%20Across%20an%20Adolescent%20Transition.pdf)

So I need to learn more now what? Stay tuned..